Dr. Paulette Sherman

5 Important Things to Know about Rejection in Dating

One of the hardest things about dating is the rejection.  You dress up, go out and then that person may not like you enough to see you again.  And this can hurt.  But, it’s par for the course when 99% of dates probably won’t end in marriage anyway.  So, it’s best to develop a healthy context about rejection so that you won’t let it stop you from finding love.  Here are 5 important tips:

1- Remember Not to Reject Yourself In the Process– Like in any endeavor, it’s important to like yourself and to know the many valuable things you will offer a partner.  Just like in a job interview, they may hire someone else for many reasons but this doesn’t mean that you’re not wonderful and excellent at what you do.  You just need to keep looking for the right fit.  We often make dating too personal but you can always return to who you are and what you will offer the right person.

2-Remember, It’s Probably Not About You– In my first book, ‘Dating from the Inside Out’ I discuss how often we’re attracted to dates who unconsciously remind us of our opposite-sex parent.  So, if you’re you’re very complimentary and shy but your date’s mom was aggressive and critical, he may not be attracted to you because you aren’t like his mom!  Why someone rejects you often has more to do with them-their blueprint, psyche and what they find attractive.  It doesn’t mean that you aren’t terrific!

3-Dating is a Numbers Game– The best writers have had many rejections before publication.  In fact, it was suggested that NYC literary agencies only represent 1 out of 4000 manuscripts and out of those, how many get published?  Yet, we think that lifetime love should come quickly and easily, like in the movies.  One survey said that a woman will date 24 men before marriage but in my experience, that number is often higher.  So, normalize the fact that dating is a process for finding a great prize and you will have to do your due diligence.  Then put in the work.

4-The 3 Date Rule: Do You Reject People Too Quickly? In my book, ‘Dating from the Inside Out’ I suggest that if there are no red flags, you should give everyone 3 dates.  I also have a ‘Hyper-Rejecter Quiz’ that you can take to see if you’re dismissing prospective dates too quickly.  If you don’t like to be rejected, maybe you should consider whether you say no to dates out of your limiting beliefs or preconceived notions.  Is it possible that you could be wrong?  You could be dismissing someone great without taking the time to get to know them.

5-Is there a Dating Pattern That You Can Address?  Although I’ve said that often rejection is not about you, there can be times when dating is an opportunity to learn about yourself.  We often have defensive dating styles that protect us from getting hurt in love but they push people away.  Some daters are overly critical, they can appear cold or needy.  I explore 15 defensive dating styles in my first book, ‘Dating from the Inside Out’ published by Atria Books but it can be helpful to consider what you unconsciously do to push love away so that you can begin to change it.  The one thing you can change is you.

Lastly, it helps to tell yourself that, ‘no is just a word like yes,’ and eventually you will meet your match so all this will be worth it!

Happy dating!